Goodbyes

Goodbye's are draining, and although 99.9% of the time it's not something we would like to put ourselves through. They are inevitable. For your own peace of mind, and for what you think might help the other person in question.

This time it was an ongoing friendship which I would have loved to have continued, but as they say; A man and a woman cannot remain 'just friends' following a relationship. One or both of parties involved will always carry the flame which results in pain and heartache for either party involved.

Therefore I’ve come to a final decision to let this one go. Should he return to my life, I shall be the happiest person alive. However the articulation of confusion, coupled with the disagreement of the reason behind the split results (as has done in the past) in iniquitous expression of emotion.

The mind has a way of sensing what might happen should it not regulate the heart. It is fully aware of what could transpire as the past has a way of repeating itself. In this instance the hearts eagerness to be accepted was dumbfounded by the simple stroke of self-discipline.

The only way forward is therefore to say Good-bye, even if you want to say Hello. Maybe I was waiting for him to come back and say… ‘Wait, where are you going?’. But I know that is not to be.

So, in order to protect oneself from any further heartache – caused to myself by the way, which is inclusive of:

• Him being the first and last thing I think of when I wake up, and fall asleep
• Wanting the best for him – knowing that he doesn’t give a crap, constantly thinking of what he might be doing?
• Wondering if he was on good terms with his family
• Wondering how is grandmother is – how his family is coping (bit of dejavu following my fathers death)
• Constantly reminding myself that he doesn’t want me and never has, that there is no hope where he is concerned, that I should stop wasting my thoughts and energy on him & wanting the best for him.
• In the want not to be obsessive, I can feel myself becoming more and more compulsive in finding excuses to send emails and text messages. Sometimes looking for text forwards to forward him!! But when it comes to the crunch, when the number has been input, I delete it in the knowledge that my efforts are worthless.
• Constantly thinking; “Why the hell did I have to accuse him of cheating, in full knowledge that he wouldn’t”?

I really do hope he lives a good and prosperous life. That his emaan goes back to a level it once was. That he has that baby girl he has always dreamed of holding. That he looks at his wife in astonishment “Wow, are you really mine?”. InshaAllah.