Final Email to Bibi

I can't seem to diminish thoughts of Bibi. It's been a year now since I met him, and I still feel like I'd like to be with him. I know now this will not be the case, and need to distance my thoughts of him. I have therefore him a final email (see below), and hopefully this might generate some kind of closure in my own mind.

I can relate this only to the feeling of losing someone whom you love, or care about dearly. Someone whom you'd like to be part of their life, and make change and possibley help them in some way? Not saying Bibi needed my help. But again, losing a friend either thru lifes ups and downs, or just life itself can be very exhausting & realigning your thoughts to consider not being with someone whom you (even if only for a split second) started to build your life around is an arduous task and can be physically draining.

How do I feel right now? Like someone's chewed me up and spat me out? Like the Angel of Death is removing my soul? That sickening feeling in my stomach? Refraining from running into the loo's to stop myself from crying. A kind of depression I think - when a tear rolls down my face each time I think of him. Anyway, that's enough. I'm not going down that route, and I will never be a victim of depression.

What is depression anyhow? It's your naffs / shaitaan constantly reminding you of something from your past - a bad deed? something or someone you loved going away? That's life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In which case, I'm made of steel ;o) Superman eat your heart out... there's a new chick in town!

Letter to Bibi:

When I leave EDS InshaAllah, I'm intending to leave everything behind, all thoughts all emails etc etc…

So I'd like to take this final opportunity to ask for forgiveness for where it's required. I know I've acted in an utterly weird manner over the past few months, which I'm not sure where the heck that came from. So maybe I am like the others whom I so tried not to be like! SubhaanAllah.

Take Care of yourself Ej. And no matter what you think, it wasn't your physical that I was interested in but your will to try better and become a better person & a personal whim to grow with someone who has similar mental attributes. So when I suggest you're the best, I mean it in that context & having apparently been blessed with a "Good Judge of Character" (can you see my head growing?!) I can only suggest so where it's required. i.e. I weren't saying it to entice you back, but not to mention the fact that it's the honest truth - but also to make you feel better about yourself.

And contrary to popular belief - I was actually happy to see you last Thursday - Just weren't sure what was going thru your head… Like oh crap, not her again ... Not to mention complete déjà vu of emotions after seeing you @ the Hamza Yusuf chit chat.

You do deserve happiness. Everyone does. Just make sure you don't loose the Barakah in your life, and if you feel yourself slipping try joining a Tajweed Class or something Deen orientated - so when you want to listen to the Qur'an in a beautiful melodic voice - all you have to do is recite - you'll be happy & so will Allah. It helps, trust me & it's really enjoyable as it's quite a difficult skill to master & it's a lot of fun when doing so in a group. Then you can record and play it back so when you listen to it, you're like - Whoa, is that me?! And when no-one's at home, you can shout it out - and this puts you on top of the world.

Again, try and recite Surah Al-Bakarah often or at least the last 10 verses. This will InshaAllah increase the Barakah in your life and… the rest is history. You know the score.. 4 Quls / Ayat Al-Kursi / Al-Fatihah / Ash-Shifa'a...

Ma Asalaam

I'm not hoping for a response. In fact I'm actually scared of him and hope he doesn't respond, and afraid of what I'll do should my emotions get the better of me again!

I pray I'll be able to leave him alone now, and most of all that he doesn't hate me after all this. I do love him, and I hope he will find someone who will make him happy. I mean really happy like I wanted him to be with me. Learning Tajweed together, bringing up independant successful and Islamic children - maybe adopt a child or two? Build an orphanage back home? educating each other, and our families to the right path... fulfilling that 1/2 of our deen... Seeing the world together... etc etc... blah blah blah... I know my dreams aren't unique. But they're still mine.

Funny that - when I first spoke with him, and he talked about having Sh. Hamza Yusuf pray our Nikah or having our Nikah done at the Ka'ba I asked him not to plan ahead, for fear of nothing happening. Wel.. look whose talking now! 2 months after he walked away, I'm still snowed under.

I do hope I'll meet him again - in Jannah InshaAllah - and see him all shiney faced and smiling that cheeky smile of his. I'd like to race my Unicorn against his Evo! No, make that Al-Buraaq (the beast upon which the Prophet saw travelled upon to the Seventh Heavens) v's his Evo!! Mwah ha ha ha ha.. who d'ya think'll win?? And then maybe go for a coffee in Borders Al-Jannah ;o) Ameen!!