Luton Revert 2 timed me!

**FALLS OFF CHAIR IN FITS OF LAUGHTER!**

How do I know? I received an email from his soon-to-be wife.

There I was thinking all reverts suffer from 'convertitus' - doing everything in their power to follow the straight and narrow. Maybe he was following the 4 wives Sunnah? All men are the same.

On a serious note, this here is the reason why I was soooo into Bibi. It doesn't matter about looks, character is the key - trustworthiness, and honourable actions. As long as we don't hide behind the 'Muslim Umbrella' to satisfy our innate desires.

But hey, no-one's perfect. Least of all me.

It's good to laugh at yourself once in a while...

And as an honouring to the above title, here's what I'm currently laughing at myself (and my life about) about:

• Being told I only attend events to meet people as opposed to gaining Islamic Knowledge - I don't think I'll get anywhere with 6 year old kids honey unless I wait till their 18, and as much I would like to help better themselves I dooon't think that would be viable ;o)
• Meeting people who pretend to be something they're not - Like why? Suggesting one looks 24 when they clearly look their age? An E.I lookalike? c'mon yaar... But he had a good heart, so I'll give him that & I don't blame him given the fact that he wants to get married. It is quite upsetting in fact, not amusing at all.
• Being told we'll be given a bonus for staying and the figure - to later discover the figure is incorrect. The figure was given in writing, and therefore legally binding? Legal advice obtained and WE WILL BE TAKING THIS TO THE TOP grrr...
• And last, but not least... my feelings towards Bibi. For the first time, I spoke to someone about it who basically described my personality to a 'T'. Unless I find that 'One in a million' person, I'm not happy - if they don't have that 'thing', I don't give them a second thought or even a chance. And that's what I found in Bibi - that spark & as a result, altho I was fully aware of his faults, I have turned a blind eye to them - because I know they are things that can be resolved. Money? Comes and goes. Guantanemo Bay? Everyone needs a break, and that is something I could have handled. Unfortunately, he's also looking for that 'One in a million' and I'm not that person.

C'est La Vie

This time last year I was on cloud nine and could easily say 'Alhumdulilah I've found the right person'. Okay, so he was a bit rough around the edges - granted. But he had something about him which I guess every other girl he has considered also saw. I can't say now that I'm indifferent, as we're all human and we've all been made equal to another. Daily lives may differ slightly, but fundamently we're all after a goal.

For most the ultimate goal is a Supa Dupa Hereafter (thats for those who believe in the afterlife). But for now - "the Here", our lives are quite similarly mapped (according to the culture in which we live ofcourse). I.e. The UK - Schooling, possibly College, maybe Uni, Career and Marriage.

Throughout our lives we meet people of all walks of life who all leave a footprint, or pin prick to our hearts - whether we take the time to get to know them and share experiences, or if they happened to glance up to smile whilst walking past. And just when you think you've met the pick of the bunch, someone comes along and quite literally steals your heart. With the promise of forever, and togetherness, in the journey of what we call 'life' - companionship is what we all search for whether we're 5 years of age running around in the playground, we look out for someone to run with... or 25 years of age running around our responsibilities, we look for someone to share our responsibilities with.

The topic of the present - or should I say my present seems to be marriage (per all my recent blogs). Given the numerous conversations with my family, friends and people who generally enquire. The frequency of these discussions seem to be more then 3 times per week now, and each time I follow the discussion it covers the following grounds:

• Why I'm not married yet
• Who I've met their faults
• The bad decisions I've made (according to them) i.e. let certain prospectives go
• My character

This has given me the chance to open up to a couple of people and request their advice on the current situation.

I really miss Bibi

:' (

Final Email to Bibi

I can't seem to diminish thoughts of Bibi. It's been a year now since I met him, and I still feel like I'd like to be with him. I know now this will not be the case, and need to distance my thoughts of him. I have therefore him a final email (see below), and hopefully this might generate some kind of closure in my own mind.

I can relate this only to the feeling of losing someone whom you love, or care about dearly. Someone whom you'd like to be part of their life, and make change and possibley help them in some way? Not saying Bibi needed my help. But again, losing a friend either thru lifes ups and downs, or just life itself can be very exhausting & realigning your thoughts to consider not being with someone whom you (even if only for a split second) started to build your life around is an arduous task and can be physically draining.

How do I feel right now? Like someone's chewed me up and spat me out? Like the Angel of Death is removing my soul? That sickening feeling in my stomach? Refraining from running into the loo's to stop myself from crying. A kind of depression I think - when a tear rolls down my face each time I think of him. Anyway, that's enough. I'm not going down that route, and I will never be a victim of depression.

What is depression anyhow? It's your naffs / shaitaan constantly reminding you of something from your past - a bad deed? something or someone you loved going away? That's life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In which case, I'm made of steel ;o) Superman eat your heart out... there's a new chick in town!

Letter to Bibi:

When I leave EDS InshaAllah, I'm intending to leave everything behind, all thoughts all emails etc etc…

So I'd like to take this final opportunity to ask for forgiveness for where it's required. I know I've acted in an utterly weird manner over the past few months, which I'm not sure where the heck that came from. So maybe I am like the others whom I so tried not to be like! SubhaanAllah.

Take Care of yourself Ej. And no matter what you think, it wasn't your physical that I was interested in but your will to try better and become a better person & a personal whim to grow with someone who has similar mental attributes. So when I suggest you're the best, I mean it in that context & having apparently been blessed with a "Good Judge of Character" (can you see my head growing?!) I can only suggest so where it's required. i.e. I weren't saying it to entice you back, but not to mention the fact that it's the honest truth - but also to make you feel better about yourself.

And contrary to popular belief - I was actually happy to see you last Thursday - Just weren't sure what was going thru your head… Like oh crap, not her again ... Not to mention complete déjà vu of emotions after seeing you @ the Hamza Yusuf chit chat.

You do deserve happiness. Everyone does. Just make sure you don't loose the Barakah in your life, and if you feel yourself slipping try joining a Tajweed Class or something Deen orientated - so when you want to listen to the Qur'an in a beautiful melodic voice - all you have to do is recite - you'll be happy & so will Allah. It helps, trust me & it's really enjoyable as it's quite a difficult skill to master & it's a lot of fun when doing so in a group. Then you can record and play it back so when you listen to it, you're like - Whoa, is that me?! And when no-one's at home, you can shout it out - and this puts you on top of the world.

Again, try and recite Surah Al-Bakarah often or at least the last 10 verses. This will InshaAllah increase the Barakah in your life and… the rest is history. You know the score.. 4 Quls / Ayat Al-Kursi / Al-Fatihah / Ash-Shifa'a...

Ma Asalaam

I'm not hoping for a response. In fact I'm actually scared of him and hope he doesn't respond, and afraid of what I'll do should my emotions get the better of me again!

I pray I'll be able to leave him alone now, and most of all that he doesn't hate me after all this. I do love him, and I hope he will find someone who will make him happy. I mean really happy like I wanted him to be with me. Learning Tajweed together, bringing up independant successful and Islamic children - maybe adopt a child or two? Build an orphanage back home? educating each other, and our families to the right path... fulfilling that 1/2 of our deen... Seeing the world together... etc etc... blah blah blah... I know my dreams aren't unique. But they're still mine.

Funny that - when I first spoke with him, and he talked about having Sh. Hamza Yusuf pray our Nikah or having our Nikah done at the Ka'ba I asked him not to plan ahead, for fear of nothing happening. Wel.. look whose talking now! 2 months after he walked away, I'm still snowed under.

I do hope I'll meet him again - in Jannah InshaAllah - and see him all shiney faced and smiling that cheeky smile of his. I'd like to race my Unicorn against his Evo! No, make that Al-Buraaq (the beast upon which the Prophet saw travelled upon to the Seventh Heavens) v's his Evo!! Mwah ha ha ha ha.. who d'ya think'll win?? And then maybe go for a coffee in Borders Al-Jannah ;o) Ameen!!

This morning...

I woke up feeling like crap with the knowledge of:

• Getting to sleep so late and looking in the mirror to see these big BLACK bags
• Bibi hated my dark eyes
• I have a meeting with another potential today, having spoken to him over the past couple days my reservation(s) are that he's not Bibi :o(

The day seemed to get better as the minutes passed, and I won't forget that little Robin I spotted bobbing under the car - at first glance I thought it was the flicker of a cats tail who might be searching for shelter against the biting cold & out bounced a small Robin, red chested and proud to be cute!

Goodbyes

Goodbye's are draining, and although 99.9% of the time it's not something we would like to put ourselves through. They are inevitable. For your own peace of mind, and for what you think might help the other person in question.

This time it was an ongoing friendship which I would have loved to have continued, but as they say; A man and a woman cannot remain 'just friends' following a relationship. One or both of parties involved will always carry the flame which results in pain and heartache for either party involved.

Therefore I’ve come to a final decision to let this one go. Should he return to my life, I shall be the happiest person alive. However the articulation of confusion, coupled with the disagreement of the reason behind the split results (as has done in the past) in iniquitous expression of emotion.

The mind has a way of sensing what might happen should it not regulate the heart. It is fully aware of what could transpire as the past has a way of repeating itself. In this instance the hearts eagerness to be accepted was dumbfounded by the simple stroke of self-discipline.

The only way forward is therefore to say Good-bye, even if you want to say Hello. Maybe I was waiting for him to come back and say… ‘Wait, where are you going?’. But I know that is not to be.

So, in order to protect oneself from any further heartache – caused to myself by the way, which is inclusive of:

• Him being the first and last thing I think of when I wake up, and fall asleep
• Wanting the best for him – knowing that he doesn’t give a crap, constantly thinking of what he might be doing?
• Wondering if he was on good terms with his family
• Wondering how is grandmother is – how his family is coping (bit of dejavu following my fathers death)
• Constantly reminding myself that he doesn’t want me and never has, that there is no hope where he is concerned, that I should stop wasting my thoughts and energy on him & wanting the best for him.
• In the want not to be obsessive, I can feel myself becoming more and more compulsive in finding excuses to send emails and text messages. Sometimes looking for text forwards to forward him!! But when it comes to the crunch, when the number has been input, I delete it in the knowledge that my efforts are worthless.
• Constantly thinking; “Why the hell did I have to accuse him of cheating, in full knowledge that he wouldn’t”?

I really do hope he lives a good and prosperous life. That his emaan goes back to a level it once was. That he has that baby girl he has always dreamed of holding. That he looks at his wife in astonishment “Wow, are you really mine?”. InshaAllah.

Poem: Plums

You get red one's
Purples one's
Squishy one's
Hard one's
Old one's
New one's
Mouldy one's
Juicy one's
Sweet one's
Sour one's
Plump one's
Wrinkly one's
But they all make the same sound when they go SPLAT!!

By the Moonbeam Fairy ;O) (9 Feb 06)

The Worst Feeling...

Do you know.. the worst feeling is when you break-up with someone, yet you don't know the actual reason why they broke it off. All they've given you to work on is is "It's all me, its not you", in which case you know that it's all you, and not the other person. You're not attractive enough, you don't smile enough.. you don't ever... you won't ever fill the missing blanks.

In this particular relationship, I went against some of my principles - yet this person was too *beep* to give me a real reason so my mind can move on. I've said many things, which I really didn't mean... but subhaanAllah it's Allah's way.. Kunfya kun... be and it will be. In every situation we blame things for not happening, 'He died from a heart attack...'. But all the while, it's part of Allah's plan. Had me and Bibi 'meant to be', I guess it would have been a whole lot easier for us to get married - no family problems, maybe he'd be more attractive to me, maybe maybe maybe. The fact of the matter is... it isn't meant to be, and he's not here with me. Doesn't stop the way I feel tho... InshaAllah, it will become easy as time goes on. Maybe he'll come back, but I'm sure he won't. His final words cut like a knife tho "I've come to terms with it - I know I'm not meant to get married". Like what did I do that was so wrong? did I lie? did I talk about him behind his back? What crime did I commit? Allah hu Alim what's spinning in his head.

As far as I'm aware, I didn't do anything wrong... except listen to hearsay once, and accuse him of lying... But I apologised for that. And I meant it with all my heart.

If anyone knows, please tell me
I need to know why, so set my mind free
I didn't intend to fall in so deep
For someone who had no intention for keeps

Everytime I meet someone new
I think of someone else - who doesn't have a clue
How much I've been hurting for him inside
When all he's worried for is his pride

A girl with drop dead gorgeous looks
Not someone whose head is in THE Book
Allow someone who wants him for Islamic reasons
Who wants to help him clear his treson's.

Then a complaint, this girl won't leave me!
if that's the case.. he shouldn't have broken me
Before I met him, I was as strong as steal
And inside, I have forgotten how to feel.

I've forgotten who I really am
A girl who's into the lastest glam
Who always smiled through her crisis
InshaAllah I'll never loose the will to fight this.

I'm getting the feeling he still wasn't over
The girl who was his 2 year lover
I guess I cannot compete with such a stance
Especially if I'm not worth a second glance.

A simple request for him, from me
Please don't ever let someone give him the key
If their heart isn't really something he wants
For to be heartbroken isn't easy to shunt.

Poems: Flutterby my Butterfly

Guess I've always been confidently insecure - strong on the outside, and soft in the middle. I suppose that's my way of making sure that the person will be there thru the good and the bad times. So I'll push them away as far as possible. Maybe I pushed too far? or maybe this guy weren't mine in the first place.

It's been a year since I first met Bibi. And I still feel the same as when I first met him. It's unfortunate he didn't feel the same. Tho, I definatly give him credit for trying. I don't think time was wasted; I have become an even stronger person then before, at a time I thought I was weak.

I would advise anyone who is looking to get married with the following;

• If you think you can grow with the person - in all ways possible, then go for it. And when you think things may be getting tough - try to remember why you got together in the first place. The things you like about the person.
• Looks fade, so don't always look for 100% attraction and attraction doesn't have to be physical either. But if you feel you won't be faithful to an unattractive spouse, then so be it. From what I have been told however, the person whom you marry whether eye candy or rock candy, upon marriage, is the most beautiful person in your eyes and that's what matters. For beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't want to be a burden. The first of a string of poems I sent Bibi following the evening when told me he wasn't physical attracted to me. For the first time during my search for companionship, I truely thought I had found someone similar to myself - Aqeedah, thought-process, family orientation. Most of all, he had a good heart. But when he told me his hinderance - that he wasn't attracted, that was the first time my heart shattered but at this point, I wasn't in love. I was just happy (before he told me the news that is). Or maybe I did love him - I certainly loved his character, and his good heart. Just didn't know him enough to be 'in love' with him?

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet" - [Plato - Greek Philisopher]

Don't want to be aburden. 12/12/2005 11:49

To: bibi@xxx.com
From: moonbeamfairy@blogspot.com

I've been thinking for a while now
That you're heart will never be mine
Cos my looks you don't appreciate
You need someone you think is 'so fine'

So now my beautiful butterflyI will let you go,
Just promise me you'll try
To bring up a family in the deen
But most of all, marry someone with whom you are 100% keen.

Because love starts with attraction at first sight
Its something that cannot be forced with all your might
Unless you get to know someone over some time
Which is something that is neither yours nor mine

I do not wish to force something upon you
Something that you don't really want to do
I do not want to be a burden on someone
Especially the one whose meant to be my companion

It's unfortunate that it's come to an end like this
My time with you I will surely miss.
Always, no matter what,
keep a smile on your face
And always, in Qadr of Allah must you keep faith.

Take it e'zi. Peace be upon you. Flutter by, my butterfly, FLY.

Little did I realise his heart was better then I had first imagined. His failure to comply was deeper, more personal and less shallow then mere good-looks. Unfortunately his home life was somewhat less then fruity which resulted in disconnection. In response, he wrote:

Don't want to be a curtain 13/12/2005 11:10

To: moonbeamfairy@blogspot.com
From: Bibi@xxx.com

Ive been silly for a while now
That my heart is stupid and mine
My Looks are dead and you appreciate
I'm flying around, but you keep me in line.

So I leap inthe air like a butterfly
Fall straight on my face from the sky
Stand up straight and hold my deen Im a family man,
with religion and keen

Allah sends care and love, for your sight
Cor blimey you saw me and had a freight !
Time will tell time it will tell C'mon love ring that bell !!
Force yourself upon me and do I'll return the favour and cum to you

Burden burden burden has to be on someone,
Come on barbie lets go party ah ah ah, your my companion !!
Its a shame my nose is big like this,
If it disappeared surely ud miss

But I will always have a smile on my face,
And I thank Allah that my teeth require no brace.
I'd flutter away like a butterfly,
but you know i'd fall from the sky !!!

(extra verse)Fatty fatty ratty thats who i am, tinsel town galore love it all the time,

Blackie blackie blackie thats not me, c'mon barbie start that party, and bemine !!! ; O)

Hmm... I think maybe he wanted someone 'like me'. Just not me.

Be my Purdah 13/12/2005 14:29

To: Bibi@XXX.co.uk
From: moonbeamfairy@blogspot.com

Well my darling you've done something now
Started off a roller coster ride, and I'm asking how?
Did I come across someone so crazy
I'm sure in years to come you'll never cease to amaze me

To keep hold of the deen we both surely must
And fulfil this fellowship, and base it on trust
But my concern is one - you don't want to be a curtain?
Well a Purdah for me, you shall be for certain

I will need you to protect me, my heart and soul
But I am not someone whom you can easily mould
I have my own character, parts of which you will hate
But sooner or later we will both realise, we can't live without our bestmate

You must also realise I come from a family of love
One whom I wish to help - for it was He from up above
Who put me on this Earth, and gave me a treat
And also told me the gates to Jannah are under your mothers feet

Don't get me wrong, for your Wife I intend to be
When we both say 'Kabul', to my heart I'll give you the key
I will try to help you fulfil all your dreams the best I can
long as you promise this is forever, and you'll only be my man

(Extra Verse)Fatty Fatty Fatty, No you cannot be, The deen does not allow this to happen you see It is sunnah to keep yourself ready and fit

Just in case disaster may hit

To: moonbeamfairy@blogspot.com
From: bibi@xxx.com

Blankty blank, check book and pen
Roller coster has started so pick up your pen !
I'll amaze you and act real crazy
But remember this at times im lazy

Hold our deen we shall do and must
Begin our journey all based on trust
Your concern is me being drawn like a curtain
Come over luv and open me up and then ull be certain!!

Protect you and my family with my life and soul
Kiss you and caress you against the wall !!!
Haram haram you may shout
But in your mind you have no doubt.

Love your family it's a must,
Help me love them too till I bust
My wife must love the pizza crust
And then after that comes the lust !!

My wife my love you shall be
Hold onto that key while I go for a weee!!
My pudding my love fulfil my dream
Im your man, and dnt forget the coffee with cream.(Extra extra read all about it!)

Wobble wobble toil and trouble
Look at me im your double !!

I have no comment. I feel like crap. I miss him. And I want to be with him. I'm restraining myself not to text or email. When things feel wrong. They just feel wrong. I did my Istikhara, and I still don't understand why he's gone and I can't let go.

Might I suggest; if you're looking for marriage not a relationship. Act fast. Don't procrastinate and allow your thoughts to hinder what might be a good thang. At the end of the day, Allah knows best. But if you allow months to pass before you act, you may as well say good-bye from day one.

People come and go...

I have come to the conclusion that Allah puts people in our lives in order to learn from them and educate us in some way or another. Then when the person leaves from your life, they either leave a pleasant scent or a pungant smell; but whatever the case may be, we should become better people for it.

There have been times in which I have been the helper, in which case I learnt to help others... conduct myself in order that the other person benefits.

Other times when things go wrong it can be a great test on our strength, but again it makes us stronger people for it. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

I was left pretty baffled by the whole situation with 'Bibi', but now Alhumdulillah... I feel like I learnt how not to be when someone leaves my life. In hindsight, had it been my best mate I would have just let her go... but then again, for her to leave my life there has to have been a MAJOR disagreement between us and I'm sure we would both make our situations clear to each other. Bibi didn't do that... he just let me get on with it, and think what I wanted to think.. Now that was cruel!! Anyway, InshaAllah I'll not go down that route again, Want to marry me? Once you've got to know me, then don't procratinate... get your family to come to mine and make it HALAL! Cos that's where me a Bibi went wrong - we kept meeting up for coffee's now and again, and it didn't go anywhere. I was too afraid of rejection to ask him to involve his parents, and he.. well ... only God knows.

I was thinking, should come back again - would I take him back? You know what... I honestly don't know. The first time we met, it was cool, and then he told me he couldn't do it due to family reasons. Then the second time, I kept at an arms length - and so did he. But.. again he broke it off. Finally, I didn't want to give him my heart... and found it difficult to write the poems I did at the beginning (see blog 'Butterfly poems) purely because I realise now that I was heart-broken from the previous times, and didn't want to be again. But needless to say, it still shattered me. But then again, when one looses something, or someone they love.. naturally, you miss it and you want it.. and will do anything to keep it. But what the mind doesn't understand, and the heart does - It's gone... it's gone.